When was the last time you cried?
I went through a season of not crying. Years of not crying, of hiding my emotions, holding everything together until it almost destroyed me from the inside out.
We learned of our infertility as 23-year-old newlyweds, in a season when most of our friends were single and the few married couples we knew didn’t have kids. This caused us to feel like we were very much alone in our struggle. But somehow, even in the pain, we knew God had a bigger purpose. Our constant prayer was, “Lord, please use this to help someone else.”
Part of the reason we struggled so much was because we didn’t tell many people, (a decision we regret now) and it was difficult carrying that burden alone.
I remember the year I fell apart. Our family lost 4 grandparents within a few months and I thought I “had to be strong” and not shed tears through any of their funerals. We also lost two children through failed adoptions in that season. While some people minimized the pain of those losses, they were deeply real for us.
It was too much.
When I cried for the first time in years, I didn’t think I would ever stop. Hours turned into days, weeks, months. I cried every single day, pouring my heart out to Jesus. And he was there. Listening. Holding me. Healing me.
Though deeply painful, and something I would not choose to walk through again, that season brought so much growth through learning how to lean into my heavenly Father. I learned that emotions are not wrong, that it’s okay to feel pain, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to need other people and find comfort in them.
We are not meant to carry our burdens alone. We not only have a Father who deeply loves us, we have brothers and sisters in Christ, people who have been where we are and have survived. I don’t know where I would be without my spiritual family, the people who continually point me back to the promises of Christ and who He says I am.
Whatever you’re going through now, I want you to know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel painful emotions. It’s okay to need other people. Don’t dwell in that place forever, but let Jesus meet you there and walk with you.
I knew eventually the time would come to share our story with the hope of it helping others walking this path behind us. I sense the Lord saying that it’s time. Please pray for me as I listen to his voice and find the courage to share this story of his faithfulness.
More to come soon.