You don’t know how much you want something until you cannot have it.

We learned of our infertility as 23-year-olds. Nothing could have prepared us for this journey. In fact, I remember being asked during one of our pre-marriage-counseling sessions how we would respond if we learned that we could not have biological children. We breezed through it like all the other questions, only half listening as we sat on the sofa, shoulder to shoulder, hand-in-hand, thankful for the hour break this provided from our long to-do list of wedding planning.

I sometimes wonder why premarital counseling even exists. For us, we could have answered all the questions with one phrase, “We’ll pray about it and trust God.” There is much truth in this, and it’s truly how we try and approach difficult circumstances in our life now, but when you’re weeks away from spending forever with your favorite person in the world, there is no way to think seriously about life changing “what if” questions. I think most couples would be better off with a gift card for post-wedding counseling ­čÖé

While holding hands on the sofa, we answered the question to the best of our invincible we’re-getting-married-in-a-few-weeks ability. But a few short months later, before the white shoe polish had faded from our tires (note to all bridesmaids and groomsmen: it’s better to paint only the car windows!) we had the opportunity to answer the question again. This time, for real.

Fast forward a decade, and here we are contemplating the question once again. I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. A 10 centimeter, blood filled cyst, an endometrioma, will continue growing inside of me until removed.

Don’t you just love it when God brings something in front of you in such a ridiculous way that all you can do is laugh? He spoke to me this way through an old email devotional that I had never opened. I came across it as I was searching for a video of my son while backing up photos as my phone was dying.

I would be a horrible photographer if I didn’t pause right now and tell you to backup your photos. ALL your photos…including the ones on your phone!

So, my phone was dying, literally bleeding, like me. Only it was bleeding purple instead of red. And as I was scrolling, mad about my phone bleeding, I came across an article about Mary:

“She received whatever the Lord had for her with joy.”

Lord, let me trust You the way she did.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why we believed the enemies lies that it wasn’t okay to talk about infertility and spent too many years feeling like we were alone. (If you are going through this now and need someone to talk to, please know that you are not alone. I would be happy to talk to you)

I don’t understand why my body can’t hold on to iron and must be filled back up again through infusions, only to have the numbers fall as quickly as they rise.

I don’t understand, but He does.

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

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I found comfort in these lyrics years ago, and the message is still applicable today.

Through it all, my Savior lives!

“My Savior My God”

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed what God Has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find the need
Of him to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You call it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he’s always gonna be

Yes living, dying let me bring
My strength my Solace from the Spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he’s always gonna be

**This post was first published in 2017. If you are reading our story for the first time and would like to receive updates on our healing journey, please enter your email address in the subscribe box below.

Read the beginning of our story here and here.