I shouldn’t be okay right now. For brief moments I am not, but that perfect peace which passes understanding continues to fight its way to the surface and rise above our ever-changing circumstances.
We spent Mike’s birthday saying goodbye to our son. The plan was to pass him on to his biological family today, until an evening phone call brought more news of uncertainty. The possibility of him returning Wednesday was mentioned. Then a minute later, another new plan. Now, tentatively, we’ll say goodbye today with the plan of receiving him back Sunday evening. Unless we hear back between now and Sunday that it’s final and we’ll never see him again.
Physically, my body feels all the typical anxiety symptoms – a heart rate that’s all over the place, shortness of breath, a stomach in knots, and random uncontrollable tears.
Yet my heart is at peace.
My prayer has been, “Lord, let me steward this pain well so that others see You.” I can’t explain the internal calmness washing over me right now. Externally, we’re losing a son. And we’re preparing our hearts as much as possible that today will indeed be the last goodbye, even though there is a chance of bringing him home again for a brief time.
Somehow, while my mind is struggling, a deep calmness soothes the innermost part of my soul as I feel wrapped in God’s perfect love. I used to read statements like this and not understand. Or hear friends describe this unexplainable peace and wonder how it could be possible. I still don’t completely know. But I’m sharing it anyway and praying that someone who needs this hope will move a bit closer to experiencing it today. It happens slowly, over time. Trusting Him first in little things, then surrendering more and more of your life to the One who created you until one day you realize He holds all of you. I’m praying for you today that you will know more of this peace exactly when you need it.
Foster care has given light to some of the best, and some of the worst, parts of who I am. A few weeks ago, my son sat in the office of his Christian elementary school talking with the principal for using bad language. When asked where he heard that word, Gabe answered, “from my mom.” It was true. I’ve often found that God allows people to see the darkest side of me – when I’m experiencing more pain than I think I can handle – right before he steps in and floods me with this peace. That way others know it’s a gift from Him and not anything I can create on my own. It’s humbling for sure, but worth it to know Him more.
Wherever you are right now, whatever you have said or done, or whatever has been said or done to you, please know that you are always loved. However horrible the circumstances surrounding you, know that Jesus is standing with you, arms open, waiting to accept you no matter what.
Our circumstances are not ideal. We feel sadness, confusion, anger. At times we have short tempers with each other, say things we regret later, slam too many doors… But more than anything we feel peace. Praying that no matter what you are going through, you’ll feel His peace as well. He sees you, He knows you, He loves you and He is with you.